Grieving, a part of the human experience
For you, Mom, until we meet again...
Greetings to all,
Mom passed away peacefully on January 30, 2024 around 8:00 am in Switzerland. Her heart simply stopped beating.
I knew that day was getting near, and I thought I was prepared for it. Mom had been declining for a while, mentally as well as physically. While she had what the doctor called a “happy dementia,” she had not been cheerful these last couple of weeks.
I live in the United States… Mom and Dad are in Switzerland. We got in the habit of having a weekly Sunday chat, yet lately, I had called every few days.
Although Mom had lost her short-term memory, she had grown in wisdom. She seemed to understand it all, and was there with sound and comforting words. At times, I wondered why I had spent so many years studying as maybe just waiting for the years to pile up would have been enough to understand life.
Mom was happy, grateful for the life she had experienced and for living her last days in a beautiful medicalized facility, where she and my dad had moved on Valentine’s Day, almost 5 years ago. She did not have to cook or do the laundry anymore. She felt she was on vacation, in a beautiful resort, with view of the lake, the forests and the Alps.
The last two weeks, Mom’s mood had changed. She was no longer cheerful. She was bored and did not want to talk; she just wanted to sleep and sleep some more. When I told her that my daughter was going to come visit on Valentine’s Day, her response was, “Let’s not rejoice too much, something may happen in-between.” Did she know?
She was ready to go and I was going to accept it calmly… or so I thought.
I took it calmly… for about an hour, after which a wave of grief tore me to shreds. It was so intense and so painful. My mom was gone! My mom!
Part of me was observing what I was experiencing. I do therapeutic coaching after all: I understand the loss cycle, the initial part of which are shock, denial, anger, and bargaining. I had experienced it before, yet not with such intensity.
Mom was gone! It was not possible… It was a nightmare; I was going to wake up… Mom, come back… Why did you do that to me? Over and over and over… I cried, I sobbed, I screamed… She had to come back!
I still find myself gathering information that I would have shared with her during our Sunday chat: Mom, the geese are back. They are flying overhead at 7:45 in the morning and again at 4:15 in the afternoon, hundreds of them… Mom, I just read a story about this baby elephant that got caught in the mud, and was rescued by rangers… Mom, I saw a raccoon by the lake during my walk this week… Mom, politics is getting crazier and crazier… Mom, did you know that about our brain? Mom… I will not be able to share… Mom is gone…
As I was sobbing on the third day after her passing, a presence was there… not Mom in her 90th year… Mom in her 20s, with the voice she had when she was telling me stories, a young voice… It startled me… Young Mom… She was letting me know that she was overjoyed to have left her old body, full of pain. Now, she was free…
Thanks to technology, I was able to follow the memorial service via Whatsapp. It seemed Mom came to sit beside me, to watch it too.
The wound is still fresh and these waves of heart pain are quite overwhelming. The anger seem to have subsided, at least for now… I find myself between denial and acceptance… She will forever be in my heart… Mom, I love you…
My brothers and I NEVER heard a dispute from my parents; they never raised their voice. They always walked hand in hand, steps in-sync - the only one who was able to get in-between was our white poodle, Jimmy.
As is my habit, I did some research about grieving and mourning. Grief seems to be the internal feelings and emotions we are experiencing, while mourning is more about outward expressions and rituals.
Here is a short excerpt, the bullet points of an article I read regarding 10 common myths about grieving.
Myth 1: Everyone grieves in stages - Fact: Grief does not follow the rules
Myth 2: Grief and mourning are the same - Fact: Grief can produce many behaviors; mourning is one of them
Myth 3: Women grieve more than men - Fact: All people grieve differently
Myth 4: If you are not crying, you are not really grieving - Fact: Crying is not essential to grieving
Myth 5: Ignoring your pain will help make it go away - Fact: Ignoring your pain is a temporary solution, at best
Myth 6: The first year is the hardest - Fact: Grief is hard, period
Myth 7: Grief gets better over time - Fact: Grief does not follow a set timeline
Myth 8: Grief has an end point - Fact: Grief does not end, but it changes
Myth 9: The goal of grief is to find closure - Fact: Finding closure is important but it does not close the book on grief
Myth 10: People who struggle with grief just need to get over it - Fact: You can’t just move on from grief and sometimes, professional help is necessary
We live in dangerous times. Here is a great video from the Mike Mandel Hypnosis Academy: Staying Safe in this Crazy World - Brain Software Podcast (Ep 246)
Click on the picture.
December 2023: my daughter had bought flour from Italy and baked delicious breads and pastries, and also made Italian noodles. Since it was flour from Italy, i.e. much healthier than what we get here, I decided to enjoy the Christmas holidays with all these carbs. I did not have the usual tummy ache or arrhythmia, yet at the beginning of January, I got a severe inflammatory flare-up: everything was hurting, my joints especially. It was time to switch to an anti-inflammatory diet.
To make things more fun, I found a book on spiralizing, and bought an Inspiralizer.
So far, I inspiralized zucchini mixed with a creamy mushroom and chicken sauce, made carrot rice with ginger and pineapple, inspiralized broccoli and stir-fried it with turkey bacon. Today, I inspiralized zucchini again, mixed with fresh Bok Choy and Dill from my hydroponic gardens.
I order my meat online from a healthy source (let me know if you are interested), and add homemade sauerkraut.
I bought many organic root vegetables, which I will inspiralize this coming week.
Bon appétit!
Through all the challenges you may encounter in this life on Planet Earth, keep moving forward and
LIVE with PASSION, PURPOSE and DELIGHT!
Danielle